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Stabby...

Sleepy Head
I'm so tired. I feel like a whiny bastard, and I can see myself coming up with how things are better back home or shit like that.

Some people have asked me why I didn't go back, then? Well, the inertia works both ways around here, you see? I'd be packing up, but just how I had so much difficulty finding an apartment, I have this insane contract where I'd have to lick the pavement from here to Bordeaux in order to get out of it.

But I have to admit, some mornings, I'm bloody tempted to just tell all of this to fuck off, take my plane ticket and head back.

In the meantime, I'll be over there, writing the plan for the plan that'll allow us to plan. But I wouldn't expect much result or effect...

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( 29 comments — Leave a comment )
(Deleted comment)
pphaneuf
Dec. 8th, 2006 01:43 pm (UTC)
Am afraid not. This is mostly a "dear diary" type of post. Maybe I should go friends-only, to shield the whole technical-type readers from that kind of post, I don't know. For friends-type people like you, well, that's just how it is. On the other hand, remember the last paragraph of the disclaimer...

But thank you for asking. I think that's already something. :-)
(Deleted comment)
pphaneuf
Dec. 8th, 2006 04:49 pm (UTC)
Re: Big smooshy hugs even an ocean can't dissipate. (Bet you want to hide THAT from your techy frie
It's the first link in the "Links" section when you're on my pages. :-)

Sure, they might be less happy. I know I was when I didn't express my feelings, anyway! But my point being that I write what I feel here, raw stuff that most people would just hide very well, and thus that you wouldn't worry about those people. So it's easy to worry exceedingly about me (or other such expressive people), because when I'm in a sucky mood, well, you know about it right away (ask azrhey how nice and good I am when I come back home!).
(Deleted comment)
pphaneuf
Dec. 8th, 2006 05:26 pm (UTC)
Re: Big smooshy hugs even an ocean can't dissipate. (Bet you want to hide THAT from your techy frie
LOL! Thanks! :-)
denkizero
Dec. 8th, 2006 02:48 pm (UTC)
If you have ideas that would work generally along the lines of what Ile sans Fil does maybe there are partnerships/grants/somethings that could be possible... let me know if you have some energies to spend towards that.

If you fuck off, fuck off to Hawai'i or something. It's bloody fucking cold here.
*hug*
cambria_f
Dec. 8th, 2006 03:07 pm (UTC)
grass is always greener?
pphaneuf
Dec. 8th, 2006 04:41 pm (UTC)
See, that's just what I was thinking, but for before I left...

Grass greener in France. Go there. Grass is just as crappy and there are wolves after me. Now, what?
dcoombs
Dec. 8th, 2006 06:15 pm (UTC)
Give the wolves some raw bacon?
pphaneuf
Dec. 8th, 2006 08:14 pm (UTC)
You should see what they call bacon around here. I'm not surprised Julien was totally gonzo over the stuff. ;-)
cpirate
Dec. 8th, 2006 09:57 pm (UTC)
Do you think the wolves' tastes are that sophisticated?
pphaneuf
Dec. 9th, 2006 01:31 pm (UTC)
Well, they're French wolves, you know?
elliptic_curve
Dec. 8th, 2006 04:13 pm (UTC)
hey babe!

i don't know if this helps or not...but you know how much i hated thailand for the first while i was there! and i've been reading a lot of books about travel and stuff, and a lot of people seem to hate whatever they were dreaming of when they first get there.

maybe it takes a while for ideas of how it would be to adjust to how things are?

hahaha, maybe you'll be telling me the same thing about working in thailand in a few months!
pphaneuf
Dec. 8th, 2006 05:13 pm (UTC)
Me, it's kind of the reverse. I liked being here at the beginning. The job was kind of sucky, but there was fun stuff and the city is friendly.

But slowly, I got this feeling that the traditional European mentality is not at all suitable to ever giving me an enjoyable work life. I'm getting the impression that, relatively speaking, this job isn't that sucky, compared to others I could find around here, so that, effectively, getting another job would be quite unlikely to help.

I do my best to be open-minded, and really, I can see the good points of living here. If you're the kind of person whose job is "just a job", that you do it mindlessly and then head off and then do cool stuff, then sure, this is a good place to be at!

I remember when I went to the Saguenay... It might not be as drastic as Thailand, but it was similar to what you described, where I didn't know anyone, and had to get along, and eventually, I found myself organizing popular parties and generally having a blast. Crazy things happened there, ending up in bed with a girl and being incredibly silly), etc... I headed back somewhat reluctantly, actually, but it was for greener pastures.

My life has been a long serie of moves and rebuilding my life from scratch. I'm on my fourth fridge, and that's only since I've grown out of apartments that included fridges, so I'm not just talking regular moves, but the "all my worldly belongings are in this bedroom, right in front of me" kind of starting over.

The idea was that I would make my situation better each time. I was in my small village. I went to cégep in a different town. I left for something else. Then I tried my hand at being a consultant. Then I figured a big city like Montreal would be a better place for doing my thing. Then I thought "hey, Europe's cool, Montreal is supposed to be the most European around, maybe what I need is the actual Europe?", so I turned the thing one notch up.

How I feel now is that this was indeed a good plan, but that I have now learned what my sweet spot is, because this went just past.

Too much is like not enough, or something like that...
cpirate
Dec. 8th, 2006 10:02 pm (UTC)
I've been known to say that you can't know how much is enough until you know how much is too much. But I've been known to say a lot of stupid things.
pphaneuf
Dec. 9th, 2006 01:31 pm (UTC)
I'd agree with you on that point. I knew how much was not enough, and now I'm learning how much is too much.

But I've also been known to say a lot of stupid things. ;-)
thebabynancy
Dec. 13th, 2006 04:05 pm (UTC)
*snickers at you both*


Everyone does stupid things... the "club" is not that "exclusive" for the things of stupid.


:P
pphaneuf
Dec. 13th, 2006 04:07 pm (UTC)
Indeed!
azrhey
Dec. 9th, 2006 01:44 pm (UTC)
Yaknow, although I do agree with most of what you say, there is something that CAN be done.

As I have been trying to explain to you there are ways of making it a good job here. You just need to be in a position where YOU get to make the rules.

And no it is not that hard to start a company here. yes you can get money easily to start it. yes there are rules, but there are rules everywhere.

It is one of those situation where you can make it work. So, just try, OK ?

I really believe starting your own thing might be the way to go. And you will be feeding me forms to fill which makes ME happy!

Or something like that.

You just need to keep looking for ways out and things to do instead of just assuming that the rest 98% of the society is ZACLY like the 2% you've witnessed.

And yes it means you will have to work the system to your advantage. Working the system doesn't always mean abusing the system but THEY will not tell you what to do or how to do it. You have to find it out and ask.
Like the seafood special plates with Air Canada. They exist but the airline will not propose it to you ever. You have to know they exist and ask at least 48h in advance of departure.

:D
pphaneuf
Dec. 8th, 2006 05:19 pm (UTC)
Another thing is, I think I was quite realistic about this. I actually read up on how the mentality here is different, what the differences are, and so on. I was thinking that I could work something out anyway, but I think I had underestimated that difference.

I don't regret coming here. What I regret is my being stuck here now that I understand things better, and I'm extra bitter, becaue for the most part, what's holding me here are those very things that I don't like.

I'd be very curious to know the actual numbers of long-term immigrants in both directions for Canada and France, and I'd be willing to bet good money that the overall flow is out of France. The kind of people who crave the insane hyperstability there's here, they don't move there, they'll just stay in Canada, angry at all the change around them. It's more stable and predictable this way.
elliptic_curve
Dec. 8th, 2006 05:32 pm (UTC)
hmm. i talked to my french roommate about what you said. he said that yeah, french companies are a lot more bureaucratic than companies in NA. he asked me what company you worked for. he said that a small company might be more responsive.

i remember my economics prof talking about france, comparing french people to people who work 100h a week on wall street. "Yeah, ok, it's good that you work to live instead of live to work, but dude, would it really kill you to do 2 hours of work a day?"

you and azhrey should move with me to thailand!
pphaneuf
Dec. 9th, 2006 01:29 pm (UTC)
I work for these guys. A small company is indeed more responsive, but that's all very relative. They're more responsive compared to most larger companies here, but I'd say they're comparable to the slowest-moving employer I had (a bank subsidiary in Laval). That previous employer, I left less than six months after, because it was killing my mind. So you understand that prospects around here aren't exactly thrilling me?

Note that it has nothing to do with size, what I don't like. I worked for one of the Japanese keiretsu (that one that owns NEC, Mazda and Asahi breweries), and it was more agile than that. That's downright appalling.

Your economics prof was saying that they were the inverse of those Wall Streets crazies, right? I'd tend to agree with him. Would it really kill them?

I think it could be pretty damn awesome for retirement, though, when you pretty much don't have to deal with that crap anymore...
my_fair_kadie
Dec. 8th, 2006 06:13 pm (UTC)
*big huge hugs*
pphaneuf
Dec. 9th, 2006 01:29 pm (UTC)
Thanks!
muadda
Dec. 8th, 2006 11:55 pm (UTC)
Reading that, I would like to wish you feeling better. I don't know what to do... maybe it is the time to take holidays?
pphaneuf
Dec. 9th, 2006 01:15 pm (UTC)
It's one of those things I'll have to figure out on my own, I'm afraid.

I do have some holidays scheduled over the, um, Holidays, and I'm thinking of going to Copenhagen soon, maybe February. There's a bunch of places I want to go to, it's mostly a matter of finances permitting...
(Anonymous)
Dec. 9th, 2006 05:00 pm (UTC)
Don't act like there is no tomorrow
You should use the pain and the sorrow
To fill you up with power
Life's both sweet and sour!

pphaneuf
Dec. 11th, 2006 08:06 am (UTC)
It's true. I've said similar things myself in the past, I ought to know!

Still, I wonder who left that message...
thebabynancy
Dec. 11th, 2006 05:15 pm (UTC)
I suppose I could have just sent an email...
...but a lengthy comment will do just as well.


Without further adieu, thebabynancy's 2¢...


*begin*


I think that this is an experience you should have... I am sure in some ways you have come to appreciate the city, the province, the country you left behind in search of a new experience. And I am sure that in some ways you appreciate the opportunity to live, love and laugh in an area of the world that serves as easy access point to all things Europe... and could quite possibly be a springboard to parts unknown from a professional standpoint.

Perhaps the build-up to the jump across the pond has lead to what was the inevitable let-down.

I think you should look forward to adding the plethora of experiences at your proverbial doorstep to the newer and brighter shades of pphaneuf.

I've never believed you were one to dwell on the negative, but rather find the positive... or at least the work-arounds or hacks to whatever wasn't working.

I do not think that you are locked into some sort of job hell... and if you are unhappy... there is nothing wrong with communicating that to the people responsible for the angst in a more constructive manner. Rather that letting it eat and gnaw away any sanity or sense of self you may have left... 'tis better to try than it is to wallow in it all... or become Stabby MCStabbish.

It could be that you just need to sit and discuss what bugs/bothers/ails you about anything in your life with the appropriate persons... from the professional perspective - it cannot hurt to discuss the finer points of your contract and try to make it more workable for all parties.

It's a shame that finding a place is as arduous as it's been...

Perhaps coming home is something to ponder... but I don't think you are done experiencing laughter, life and love abroad.

Worst case scenario... you can write the pphaneuf's Guide to Re-locating to France, and other such Oddities.

*end*


P.S. If it's all bad™... Pívo makes it better, or at least bearable.
pphaneuf
Dec. 13th, 2006 03:32 pm (UTC)
Re: I suppose I could have just sent an email...
I agree that there's some good to be found here, and that it made me appreciate some aspects of what I left behind that I took for granted before.

While when I wrote this post, I was held back by such things as not letting the lady azrhey out in the cold, but otherwise felt like just telling off the whole thing and flying back. Now, I'm a bit better, and while I still think I'll be heading back to Canada eventually, I'd make that in a year or two, so I have time to see the things I want to see around here.

The yearly evaluations are in progress here, so in a few days I'll be talking with people about that kind of stuff. I'm not totally pissed with what's happening here, they're doing reasonable things for what they're trying to do, it's just not something that caters to me, so I come in the morning, do my job, and go home. No staying late, burning with passion for my art here...

I try not to abuse the pivo and vino, but yeah, once in a while, whee! ;-)
thebabynancy
Dec. 13th, 2006 04:04 pm (UTC)
I'm glad it's not all bad. :)
once in a while?! blasphemy... blood alcohol levels should remain constant.


just saying...


:D N
( 29 comments — Leave a comment )

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